Say What?! Shakira Attacked … by Sea Lion
STOP THE PRESSES! International hip-shaker Shakira was attacked! Yes friends, over the weekend while on a trip in Cape Town, South Africa, the woman with the "small-and-humble" boobs was mauled, skewered, assaulted, struck, harmed, injured – by a vicious sea lion! On her Facebook page, the singer described the incident in which she was attacked by a roaring sea lion and says her brother "literally saved my life." And if you squint real hard at the photo above – you can even see that she has a tiny bite on her hand to prove it!
A bite!? THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! First Whitney and now this – it is almost too much to bear*! With one miniscule bite and one other teeeeeeeeeny weeeeeeeeny marking on her hand, how will she ever use it again!? With this blemish to her body, will her hips now begin to lie? Will she still be able to sound like Kermit the Frog whenever – wherever? This is serious, you guys! If the She Wolf doesn’t have the use of both hands – I do not want to live.
Luckily for us, Shakira described the oh-so-perilous altercation and subsequent save on her Facebook page in a post entitled "Special Report: Attacked by a Sea Lion" (good thing she didn’t call her post about this essentially non-event something overly dramatic). I have decided to add my own personal commentary in italics ('cause I'm fancy) throughout her terrible ordeal. Here’s how she described it:
This afternoon I happened to see some sea lions and seals [rich people who don’t have real jobs get to have so much fun]. I thought to myself how cute they were so I decided to get a bit closer than all of the other tourists [sounds like a beauty idea, I bet this will end well] and went down to a rock trying to pet them doing a baby talk [baby talk? Well then you deserve to get bitten] while taking pictures [while humans love a good pic, not every mammal wants a new Facebook photo] ... Suddenly, one of them jumped out of the water so fast and impetuously [is she talking about her surly teenage daughter or a sea lion?] that it got about one foot away from me, looked me in the eye, roared in fury and tried to bite me. Everyone there screamed, including me. I was paralyzed by fear and couldn't move, I just kept eye contact with it while my brother "Super Tony" jumped over me and literally saved my life [It might be time to go over what literally means], taking me away from the beast ["Beast"? "Literally Saved your life"? Good thing you once again aren’t over-dramatizing this situation]. We both got our hands and legs scratched by the rocks while trying to protect ourselves. [And now comes the best part of the story …] I believe what happened is that it confused the shiny reflection of the blackberry I was taking these pics with, with some sort of fish [WHAT!? this is why famous people shouldn’t be allowed in to nature, ‘cause they f*ck shit up]. It probably thought I was teasing it with food and then taking it away from it [gurl, sea lions don’t like teases, you learned the hard way]. Wow! It's funny that only half an hour before I was complaining to my guide Andrew that I never get to see wild animals up close on adventurous trips [Oh brother, once again rich people have suuuuuuuuuch hard lives. Being able to go on guided tours through picturesque Cape Town sounds like the pits, just the absolute pits]. Oh well, I can't say that anymore!! Now I'm off to see some penguins! I hope they are a bit more friendly! [Have you learned nothing!?]
WOW! Shakira, it sounds like you just barely survived that harrowing ordeal! You looked death in the eye, laughed at it and lived to tell the tale – on Facebook. Despite the terrible toll it clearly took on your person, I think we have all learned a wise lesson from your potential tragedy: when on a guided beach tour of Cape Town – it’s okay to taunt unsuspecting sea mammals – as long as your smart phone is in your famous-person pants.
Love and sea mammals,
*Thank you, Jesse Benjamin, Dance Commander