Say What ...?! Miss USA Gets 'Pretty' Idiotic
Oh my god, I love stupid people – especially when they are pretty. Mocking them is just so much more fun that way. Last night during the Miss USA contest, Judge Marilu Henner asked top five finalist Miss Ohio Audrey Bolte: “Do you think women are depicted in movies and on television in an accurate and positive way? And please give us an example.” And this is what happened: Miss Ohio gave a look of panic, said some uncomfortably vague stuff, and then gave the most devastatingly amazing answer in the history of pageants – she cited Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman as a positive portrayal of women in film. ‘Cause who doesn’t love a hooker with a heart of gold?!
Audrey said, "I think it depends on the movie. I think there are some movies that depict women in a very positive role, and then some movies that put them in a little bit more of negative role. But by the end of the movie, they show that woman power that I know we all have. Such as, the movie Pretty Woman. We had a wonderful, beautiful woman, Julia Roberts, and she was having a rough time, but, you know what, she came out on top and she didn’t let anybody stand in her path."
You can practically hear her bevy of hyped-up pageant coaches screaming backstage, “NOOOO! HOW COULD YOU SAY PRETTY WOMAN!? SOMEONE SHUT HER UP!”
This is just too amazing; I can’t even make this sh*t up. Hey Ohio, remember -- JULIA ROBERTS WAS A PROSTITUTE IN PRETTY WOMAN?! A PROSTITUTE! Maybe Miss Ohio forgot that the movie is about a woman who trawls Hollywood Blvd. looking to have sex with strange men for money, and whose only way out of that hard life is by meeting a cold-hearted rich man whom she eventually f*cks into submission, and becomes his kept woman. Yeah, if that isn’t an accurate and positive account of women – I don’t know what is.
While I can’t imagine the pressure of being in the Miss USA pageant – she did choose and train to be in this event. Miss Ohio really should have been better prepared for a question like that – it’s not like she got asked to solve global warming onstage. There are a plethora of current TV shows or films she could have cited that have positive female characters: The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles, Bones, The Hunger Games, even The Avengers has strong women who aren't hookers! And if she just had to mention her home girl, Julia Roberts, why not Erin Brockovich?! Jesus Christ – almost anything would have been better than referencing a film from 1990 about a prostitute!
Oh Miss Ohio, did the Preparation H seep from under your cheeks, into your eyes and cause brain paralysis? Did you swallow too much teeth whitener and it worked its way up and fried your reasoning skills? Did you tease your hair so hard that your intelligence fell out? Did you inadvertently drink Aquanet and your brain melted inside your skull? I hope all of the above – because those are the only excuses for referencing Pretty Woman.
Every one of these pageants has some sort of train-wreck moment – In 2007, Miss South Carolina melted minds with her "The Iraq" answer at Miss Teen USA. At the 2009 Miss USA pageant, Carrie Prejean shocked audiences with her conservative opinions on gay marriage. For a while, I thought this year’s Miss USA’s bonehead-moment happened when Arsenio Hall asked Miss Nevada why the majority of the contestants who appeared as guests on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live couldn’t name the vice president – and she answered that the contestants were tired because it was late (Hey babe, even at midnight I know who the country's vice president is) as she stalled for a minute, obviously trying to think of the vice president’s name -- and when finally pressed on if she knew it herself, she sheepishly said “Biden.” Yeah, that was pretty great. But that was nothing to when Miss Ohio upped the stupid ante – and made watching stereotypically beautiful girls with store-bought boobs, prance around onstage, a lot more fun.
So, thanks Miss USA contestants for being dum dums and making me feel better about my quirky-but-smart self.
God bless America,