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As if I am not having a hard enough time saying goodbye to Oprah this week (seriously don't even mention it because I will cry, and making a girl with glasses cry is just mean). But now Christopher Meloni has to go and ruin MY LIFE by not coming back to "Law & Order: SVU" for its 13th season. In a week full of heartache and woe, NBC's announcement is the worst news I can think of.
And yes people, I'm talking about my deep devastation about Chris Meloni's no-nonsense Eliot Stabler, leaving "Law & Order: SVU" – mock away. No, I'm not a lonely, 45-year-old housewife, who spends lazy days drinking white Zin while lounging on my Shabby Chic loveseat, nestled up with my cats Lord Wickham, Mr. Bumbles and Scrambles The Cat. No, I don't have a postage stamp collection, or a scrapbook club and I don't spend my weekends locked in my bachelor apartment lamenting over first and only dates with failed flames spent at the local Applebee's (well to be honest there are no Applebee's in the Los Angeles vicinity, trust me I've looked).
I'm hip, I'm cool, I wear vintage dresses, put feathers in my hair and watch films under the moonlight at the Hollywood Forever cemetery, I've lived in L.A.'s trendy Los Feliz 'hood and drank 4 Loko before it got less Loko. But, when I get home from late nights at darkly lit rum bars where you have to use passwords to get into them, all I can think about is cozying up to a good episode of "L&O: SVU."
So yes, I love me some "Law & Order: SVU." Shoot me. Why …you ask? Because when life has taken its heavy fist and beaten me down, I can turn on USA, sit back, relax and watch crimes against children, women and the every-so-often man and somehow I feel like everything will be okay. No matter what is going wrong, I always know that Benson or Stabler will be there for me – until now that is. Now every episode I see, I will know in the back of my head that there is a finite number of unwatched episodes out there in the ether.
Benson and Stabler how do I love thee: There is no sex crime you can't fix, no perp you can't break, no guest star you can't act the pants off! What am I supposed to do without you!? To me there is no "Law & Order: SVU" without Benson AND Stabler -- together. Their bond must not be broken! Benson without Stabler is like ice cream cake with no ice cream, a sandwich with no bread, internet videos of adorable kittens with no kittens, a body walking around with no head! IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
To add insult to injury, word on the street is that Jennifer Love Hewitt is in talks to fill in for Mariska Hargitay, who is said to only be returning for 13 episodes next season to spend time with her newly adopted daughter, Amaya. Come on Mariska – I "get" that being a mom and stuff is really important and all, but this is do or die. Your victims need you, your fans need you, I need you! What I don't need -- is BigBoobs Love Hewitt trying to solve mysteries.
I guess I'll just have to go on my Netflix streaming to watch old episodes and cry myself to sleep knowing that in the future Olivia and Elliot won't be there to tell me everything is hunky dory. But either way I still have my stamp collection and Lord Wickham, Mr. Bumbles and Scrambles The Cat to keep me company. Oh and if you want to join my scrapbook club we meet on Tuesdays at Applebee's.