The Insider.com

My ears are bleeding. Paris Hilton's has just released a new "single" called Drunk Text – and, surprise, it’s about party rockin’ with her "b*tches" and drunk texting. Thank my lucky stars! An artist has finally released a song that sings to my inner soul! In her new spoken word (yes friends, your eyes do not deceive you -- I said spoken word) single, the self-obsessed, baby-talking waste-of-space collaborated with the house music production duo Manufactured Superstars to create aural pleasure. Usually, I am a woman of many (too many words), but seriously there is nothing funnier I can say than what Paris herself came up with on her own.

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Move over Adele, we have a new wordsmith who is emerging as the musical voice of party nation. So take a listen (if you dare) and get an eyeful of the Top 12 quotes (it was supposed to be a "Top 10" but her lyrics were so breathtaking I just couldn’t stop myself) of Paris’ three minute and 46 second talking-to: (And yes these quotes are real. So very real.)

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-"I went out the club the other night to …you know …dance with my bitches"

-"It was just a drunk text. In my head I was writing a fiction of us."

-"Behind my eyes I was begging for things my lips could never ask."

-"My mouth kept pouring desperate clauses of random intent."

-"He asked if he could text me later after the club. He hands me another shot of vodka, and I say, 'Sure.'"

-"I am on the dance floor when I get text from Adam. I am too lazy to type so I took a send a photo I took up a dancer’s skirt. And tell him to: 'Come and get it.'"

-"I'm sorry. It was just a drunk text." -- [This one she says a lot. Just the way I like it.]

-"No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore."

-"If you take the word sex and you mix it with texting its called sexting. When you add the words drunk sexting the words just don’t make sense." -- [This one is my personal fave because while creating beautiful music, she is also teaching us important things.]

-"It's a hot mess of misspelled obscenities, body parts, and run-on questions."

-"I get a text from my best friend. She is upstairs getting bottle service. She is like, "this guy wants me to wet your lips with his bottle. And he wants me to bring more girls up.'"

-"I'll be damned if I end up in some late night diner after this with last night’s lingerie in my purse."

Thank you Paris. Thank you for all of this. I was feeling a little down in the dumps today but this lyrical gem has brightened my dark day, just knowing that such pure beauty is now out there in this cruel, cruel world is enough. Last year, I was a little worried that you were moving to the D-list when I was at your Christmas party and the most famous person at it was a flailing Tarryn Manning. I dared to think: “Is Paris over?” But, no, I think it’s clear: Paris, you are back – and better than ever.

Click here to watch Paris' Drunk Text video

UPDATE: We just got the following statement from Paris' spokesperson: "We can confirm that the video leaked today is not part of Paris Hilton's new album. This video was recorded over a year ago. The first single will be out in a few months, we will let everyone know when it’s due for release."