The Insider.com

'Teen Mom' Recap: Amber & Gary Fight

July 13, 2011

Well last night’s "Teen Mom" was quite the doozy. If you are a "Teen Mom" virgin (which I am ashamed to admit until yesterday I was) last night’s episode was trial by fire. I met petite and strong-willed Maci, wannabe model Farrah, melancholy Catelynn and … crazypants Amber … ooooh that Amber.

Amber Portwood has recently made headlines for a bevy of things that you hope a young mom never does: allegedly threatening suicide, being charged with felony domestic battery and child neglect, being in jail and having nude photos leaked on the Internet. I’d heard a lot about Amber but hadn’t gotten to spend much time with her until I took a gander at "Teen Mom"'s third episode of its third season.

You know you are in for some good TV when the first line of the show is Amber talking about getting back together with her ex-fiance Gary Shirley, saying: "Gary and I have been back together for a week and we want to make a fresh start, since he has a good job … we are hoping that will help us get a good house."

Hmm …something tells me that if you have only been together a week you probably shouldn’t be buying a house together, especially when you have felony domestic battery charges in your past. But clearly making good decisions is not this couple’s forte.

So despite what audiences clear know is a terrible idea, Gary (p.s. how old is this dude!? He looks like he’s old enough to be MY dad!) buys a house and the couple moves in together. Cohabitational bliss? I think not. Early on, Gary breaks the stairs with his svelte self, bickering ensues. In one alarming scene, Leah (their daughter) quietly plays with her toys, which somehow sets off Amber. After basically manhandling Leah, Amber storms out of the room as a shrieking Leah sits on the ground by herself; passive Gary nonchalantly chows down on some fatty food from afar. That little vignette pretty much sums up their entire relationship. Clearly a match made in heaven.

Despite the fact that they have barely unpacked or settled it the family decide to go on a trip together to wilderness resort with Amber’s brother Shawn and his family. “Even though we got a new house, I’ve been on edge lately. So it’ll be good to get away for the weekend,” says Amber. Maybe it will be good for them … or maybe it will be TERRIBLE (hint hint … the correct answer is terrible.)

So where is this little vacation? Well it brings me to my favorite line of the show: "We are leaving to spend the weekend with my brother at a water park resort with his girlfriend and their two kids," says Amber. If anything screams vacation of a lifetime – it’s this white trash outing! Halleluiah!

So clearly all does not go well. Amber and Gary begin their fighting on the drive there. At one point Leah just makes normal baby sounds, which causes Amber to yell at her baby to be quiet. Gary doesn’t really like that (who would!?); Amber does not like being told what to do so she starts swearing at Gary; Gary doesn’t like it when Amber swears at the baby; BOOOOOOOOM -- all hell breaks loose! Like the classy lady she is, Amber swears a lot and says a lot of "shut your f*cking mouth" to Gary (and in front of her daughter). In vain, Gary pleads with Amber not to swear in front of her infant daughter. And then the next best line happens. Amber yells: "My baby does not cuss!"

Wow, Amber you really hit the nail on the head with that one. Hey Teen Mom, you are right your baby doesn’t cuss – because she is a BABY! Leah, who is too young to form words and can only gurgle, is currently incapable of can not formulating gems like “F*ck” “Shit” “Dumb*ass,” so defending yourself as if you are super mom a bit off base. That’s not great mothering in effect, that’s just how humans work: they cant talk when they are babies. But you bet your bottom dollar if you keep up a potty mouth like that, once your daughter can speak – she will probably follow the example of her mother.

The fight seems to end when Amber tells Gary that she is done with the relationship (did I mention that they JUST bought a house together). The whole this is just depressing. It seems like Amber is an unhappy woman who seems very bogged down by her own life so she takes it out on whomever is in her proximity.

Have no fear: despite the blow up, Amber and Gary do decide to go to the water park. While there, Amber says to her brother "obviously if Leah wasn’t with us, we wouldn’t be together." Yeesh, that’s harsh. That’s definitely the kind of person I want to be I want to buy a house with.

Yes, watching a mother behave this way is infuriating and at times I laughed aloud in disbelief loud when Amber treated Gary like a dishrag. However, the whole thing is tinged with an extremely melancholy brush since viewers like me have the knowledge that at some point after this, Amber reportedly threatened to take her life. And at the end of the episode, my mind could not help but to think upon their daughter, who is growing up in a house filled with rage and anger and the affects it will have on her life.

The other three story lines paled in comparison to couple of the decade Amber and Gary. But here’s a quick recap: Maci was considering moving home to Chattanooga to save on money but she and her new boyfriend have decided to move in together (another great idea). Farrah is elated about her brand-new fake tits so she can be a better model, but when she does book a gig that takes her away from her daughter she begins to question all that is modeling (but she just got brand-new fake tits!). Catelynn decided she wanted to move in her boyfriend, Tyler, so despite his and his family’s reservations they go apartment hunting and eventually move in together (another stellar idea!).

All in all, “Teen Mom” has made me feel better about my life choices and I’m sure glad I am not a teen mom. I wonder what treasures next week’s episode shall hold!?

Stay tuned for next week’s recap of the newest episode of MTV’s "Teen Mom," airing Tuesday nights.

-Meg Swertlow